Semester Abroad, Global Correspondents Imposter Syndrome: But Make it British

June 6, 2022
By Bebe Hodges, CAS '23

University of Cambridge, Pembroke College - United Kingdom

Bebe is one of the Semester Abroad Global Correspondents writing and sharing her experience abroad during the Spring 2022 semester. Follow along with the group of correspondents on our blog and look out for their images on the @pennabroad Instagram feed. 

Studying at the University of Cambridge is tough. I bet that isn’t a huge surprise. But picture this: You’re alone with your professor, sitting across a wooden table in the bare room of an old academic building. As your professor reads the essay you wrote over the past week, you sweat in anticipation for her feedback. She looks up at you. It’s time.

“You’re writing at a high school level,” she says.

Ouch.

Yeah, it stung.

I freelance for magazines and newspapers back in Cincinnati. I want to pursue a career in journalism. So, to hear that I was writing at a high school level made me question everything. I would ask myself ‘what am I doing here?’ For the first time, I was experiencing imposter syndrome.

The University of Cambridge’s supervision system allows students to learn one-on-one with a professor, called a ‘supervisor,’ each week. During supervision, you discuss a writing assignment, which is either an essay you wrote for that week or a portion of your dissertation, which is a research project you work on over the course of term.

Because you only meet for one hour a week with your supervisor, your supervisor focuses on what you can do better on that week’s assignment. There’s little time to talk about what you did well. My supervisor gave me feedback so that I can learn and improve, but I seemed to be having a harder time meeting the Cambridge expectations than my peers.

I started to internalize this difference. I thought that I was doing nothing right and that I was in way over my head. Each week, I would return home after supervision feeling utterly defeated.

I told my friends that I was having a hard time adjusting, but I figured this was a problem I needed to solve myself. I told myself that if I just worked harder, if I just spent more time on my essay each week, things would get better.

There was improvement. Through trial-and-error I inched closer to the correct structure of a Cambridge essay. I began learning how to integrate theories with case studies. I started writing about topics familiar to me. There were still setbacks though. Some supervisions were okay, others I would leave holding back tears. But I held on to the hope that things would get better if I just tried harder.

When it was time to take my exams the last week of term, I felt ready for them. I had to write three essays in six hours. I couldn’t overthink—I could only just do. When I walked out of the classroom after my exam, I felt, well, good. Things were turning around.

At the start of the next term, I returned to my supervisor and waited to hear her feedback on my exam. A million questions—and hope—raced through my head. Did I do better? Am I up to par? Are things all okay now? No. I had made progress, my supervisor said, but I still had a way to go to meet the expectations of a Cambridge student.

My shoulders slumped. I wanted to cry. I thought that no matter what, I wasn’t – couldn’t be – good enough. So much for that stupid thing called hope.

My friends encouraged me to get help, but I still saw this as my problem to fix. A few days later though, I went to a meeting with my counselor, called a ‘tutor,’ who asked me questions that pushed me to open up. I spewed all the challenges I was facing like a faucet that couldn’t be turned off. It felt so good to finally get out all the doubt, shame, embarrassment, and feelings of unworthiness.

“Just because you are doing it differently doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong,” she replied gently. My tutor responded better than I could have possibly imagined. She encouraged me to speak with the study abroad program advisors at Cambridge. So, I did. And with each meeting, I received more comfort, encouragement, and access to resources. I was reminded that they were there to help me. And perhaps, most importantly, that I was capable. That I was being too hard on myself. That I was at Cambridge for a reason.

My tutor connected me with a writing advisor, to help me adopt the Cambridge writing style. My advisor sent me detailed writing toolkits on how to write essays and dissertations at Cambridge. With these support systems in place, I started building my confidence.

I also opened up to my supervisor about how I was struggling. She and I talked about how I learn best, and she even modified her teaching style to fit this. She encouraged me to write a dissertation this term instead of essays, which has allowed me to focus on researching one topic throughout the term instead of researching a different topic each week for an essay. Because my research is more focused this term, I have time to improve my writing.

The dissertation option also allowed me to choose the topic I will be writing about, instead of responding to an essay prompt that was given to me each week. I chose a topic that is connected to my own life experiences, and, because of this, I write more confidently than I did for my essays. I let my voice shine in my writing.

Studying at Cambridge is not always stress-free, and it’s not like I’m turning in perfect drafts each week to my supervisor. But just knowing that I have people in my corner, and that I have a supervisor who is willing to adjust to meet my learning needs has made a huge difference this term. These resources were always there, but I finally took the blame off myself so that I could find them.

And while last term (and blog post) may have been about my growth socially, in this term I’ve developed intellectually. But in order to do so, I needed to trust that I was capable and deserved to be at Cambridge. The support systems that I discovered in the process helped me to do just that.

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The Semester Abroad (SA) program offers undergraduate students the opportunity to study in a new global community through extended study for a semester or year. Penn Abroad partners with top institutions around the globe and collaborates with Penn’s undergraduate schools to offer programs for students across academic disciplines.